Updated: Nov 28, 2019
There are some things I'm really good at, but I am also aware that that there are some things I'm not good at. Waitressing comes to mind....not my thing. I have a fairly selective memory and certain things just pass through my mind, like casual window shoppers without there being any intent to actually remain, including refill requests. This irritates my husband, who likes to think he has a memory like an elephant, although I'd argue some of his supposed memory is more of a remixed version. In any case, I'm sure, if asked, my husband could easily spout off several more things that I'm not good at, but I'm not asking.
It's a natural human tendency to gravitate toward things we are good at, because it feels good. I like feeling successful, who doesn't! That being said, I'm not opposed to trying new things, possibly because I feel like there is more success in at least trying and failing, than never trying at all. Also, I think I've also had a fairly high success rate in doing so. However, that doesn't necessarily apply when I'm dealing with something that really matters to me, which leads me to Homeschooling.
Homeschooling is currently leaning into the "not good at" category. Maybe I'm being overly critical of myself, but I feel like I'm struggling with it. I'll be honest and say I don't like it...I don't want to do it. This has been concerning, because my children definitely matter to me and we really need this to work in order to continue on this adventure.
The reality is, it's been an easy transition. We have a routine that we've loosely established. I like school to start no later than 9 am and we generally are done around noon. The flexibility of it is wonderful. The kids are doing well, although they've mentioned they miss their school. The curriculum isn't far off of what they were used too, with a couple of exceptions. Since we are doing an online academy, everything is pretty laid out, so I shouldn't be feeling this way, right?
However, I find myself feeling like an impatient babysitter. I don't do babysitting...never have. Doing home school with younger children requires a high level of supervision, and you have to be willing to give your time to keeping them on task. Unless you have extremely unique children, like robots or something, it just won't happen without you staring at them the entire time. I exaggerate, but not by much. My kids are great, and pretty easy, but I still have to stare at them to keep them working. If I leave the room, within two seconds it erupts into some kind of free for all brawl that includes dog tug-a-war.
And it's not just homeschooling I'm struggling with. It's the noise....and not just the kids. My husband is noisy too. He is working from home, and mostly over the phone. For some reason, he won't wear his headset, and does most of his business over speaker phone, which from what I can tell is set on the highest volume. He paces, a lot. He walks around house while talking, in and out of the house, leaving the doors wide open, which ensures we will continue to enjoy the noise without interruption. Add in the dogs and a random squirrel, and the noise cacophony just gets overwhelming at times.
I am with them all 24/7, and while I love the togetherness we are enjoying, it is sometimes a little too much. Am I allowed to say that without sounding like a terrible person? I like my own peace and quiet, my alone time. I get frustrated having to provide constant activities for my children, so much so that I've relinquished on letting them go to the park alone. At this point, I'm all too ready to say "yes, just go to the park!"....anything to just have some quiet. I feel like a chicken being pecked to death. I have a hard time concentrating and feeling at peace. I want everyone to just leave me alone... at least for an hour.
So maybe it's not the homeschooling that I'm struggling with. It's a combination of lack of privacy and quiet. I'm hoping I have a breakthrough soon. That I'm going to wake up and have the ability to process all of this through a different filter and feel differently. Somehow I have to find a way to make this work for me...for us, but for now the "momming" is hard.