The Feels, Part 1: "Balance"
Updated: Apr 5, 2020
"I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane" Waylon Jennings I got pretty chunky in Portland, like really chunky.....okay okay, I got Fat. Looking back at some of the pictures of myself during that time made me cringe a little, but I can't say it wasn't fun getting there. I drank and ate ALL the things, and then some. I indulged in some of the finest food and drink on the planet. I don't know if it's the weather and all the sweaters people wear, or the food, or the good cheer that makes people eat there, but it's not a bad way to live. I could be very happy there, eating and drinking until I died at the very old age of 51 from any number of ailments caused by over-consumption. When I came back to Phoenix, I looked at my double chin and double boobs and decided that I needed to make a bit of a change.... but first, the "weigh in". 208 lbs! I wasn't even mad, I was amazed at myself! How did I stuff all that weight on a small frame?? Just the same, I immediately started an OMAD diet, which stands for One Meal A Day. All day long I fast, then eat whatever I want for dinner. When I first started it, my wife wasn't really on board with my eating habits. She kept making me food for breakfast or lunch and then would be mad when I wouldn't eat it. Then at dinner, which is when she likes to eat the least, I would gorge on double portions, multiple glasses of wine and 13 Nutter Butters for dessert. If I could look up while gorging(I couldn't, too busy) I would probably see a face watching me so contorted with disgust, that it would belong on Rodin's "Gates of Hell". Once I finished my meal, I look up and see a woman with her lips pursed, her arms folded in a defiant stance, ready to dispense fire and fury. She calls that fire and fury "advice", and that's one thing my wife loves to give, just like this: Abby: " Why are you eating so much at dinner after not eating all day? That's not healthy" Me: "This is the same diet that The Rock is on, its part of intermittent fasting." Abby: "Well you aren't the Rock, and I don't know why you can't be normal in your eating habits, you just have to be balanced. Why can't you be balanced?" First of all, taking dieting advice from a naturally skinny person is ridiculous... its a bit like a short person being taught how to dunk by Michael Jordan ("Just dunk it, dude. It's easy"). Secondly, OHHHH GAWWWD, there is that word again. BALANCE. I hear that word over and over, echoing through the chambers of my head: "just be BALANCED" 15 years of marriage and she's still trying to make me balanced? I'm not even remotely that kind of person, and shouldn't she should know that by now? When I hear the word balance, I know what it means. I know the clinical definition of the word. But what I really think: "boring". That word is only marginally worse than the word "sensible", which is what Weight Watchers tells you to be when they want you to starve yourself: "have a sensible dinner" You know what "balanced" people do? They work for a big company as a middle manager from 9-5 and bring their sandwich in a bag lunch 5 days a week. They drive through Starbucks because they don't want the serendipity of meeting new people inside, or GOD FORBID, seeing someone they know. Balanced people drive a Toyota Camry, have fake grass in their yard because they can't handle the inconsistency of real grass, and go to Supercuts for trims. They wear Dockers and a polo when they want to dress down, and wear only blue or black suits with white shirts and ties that are the exact same color as their suit. Balanced people schedule missionary sex on Tuesday night. Their fun level never goes above a 6, and they always, always, always say the right thing in public. Balanced people don't take their families traveling for a year, they don't own companies or have employees, they don't take any chances, and they don't make drastic changes in their life, even when they are completely freaking miserable. I don't make good food choices at restaurants. I'm never going to order a salad, I'm going to get the burger. P.S. I'm down to 191 lbs.