(written and edited over 3 months)
The world is broken.
It's been hard to be motivated to write, when it feels like the so much is in turmoil. We haven't been able to travel like we usually do. Like everyone else, we've mostly just been home, trying to reestablish a new normal. I don't think normal is going to exist for at least a little while.
Personally, I've enjoyed taking a step back from being so busy all the time. I'm still busy, but there is less expectation. However, there has also been a latent almost subtle tension to daily life. I've had to limit my exposure to social media, because it makes me feel very emotional. With recent riots just up the street from our home, followed by a state wide curfew, there has been a real and palpable uneasiness on a daily basis for quite some time. It's finally starting to lessen, but I think my adrenals are probably shot
It's hard to imagine that some people live their entire lives in situations worse than this. I'm sure it's being entitled if I complain, but I won't deny that it is impacting me and my family.
I don't feel like it's my place to write about the current social climate in this country, but I will say that my heart feels broken. Maybe that's the point? In medicine, sometimes you have to cause pain before real healing can begin. I'm just not sure that it can ever be fully healed. I have always felt strongly that everyone be treated with love and kindness.... with equality. Maybe it's a misnomer, I also recognize that currently not all people are equal. Of course, that depends on what definition you are using, but we aren't all the same. I think that each person is unique. Each person has their own gifts, experiences, interests. It doesn't make any one person less or more....just different...and I think differences are what create beauty, if you let it.
I can't speak to what someone else's life experience has been. I can only speak to my own, and I was raised to be inclusive. To respect others enough that even if I don't agree with them, it doesn't mean I have to hate them. It saddens me that so many people obviously don't feel that same way. There is no freedom now to express yourself freely, for fear that you may say something wrong and insult someone. Or at least that is what social media would have us believe. I find it frustrating.
It's been a roller coaster of emotions this year, from being so excited about our trip and everything that went into planning it, to disappointment that it all came to an abrupt halt, followed by anxiety, fear, and now I have to admit, even some anger. Yes, I have anger. Maybe that's wrong to admit, but there it is in all it's awfulness.
I recognize these are all stages of grief, and I think that really is what all of this is.... grieving. The world is grieving. I'm grieving. I don't know if anyone is really okay, but I do believe that everyone needs a little extra love lately.